Autons Blog

Okay monkeys, you probably realised that the blog page is no longer in op, as we now have a band forum instead. There is a link to the 'blog history' if anyone is interested. Well, it's been nice knowing y'all. You know what they say, always end on a song...........

"Oh, it's a long, long while
From May to December,
But the days grow short............' fade

Well, nobody came up and kissed Tony, which was probably a great relief to all (especially to Leon, who has a tendency to get jealous about T's uncanny prowess with the oppsex.) Apart from that, it all went rather swimmingly. Great crowd, and it was nice to see a lot of our friends who travelled up from Pomp. We did two new ones (Renaldo and The Words She Said) as well as our forthcoming single Snakes/Ice Major. Renaldo himself did a weird sort-of 'dervish-twist' at one point, which actually looked quite dangerous.

Some thankyous:

Jez, for his wheels and his visuals; all the other bands (esp Jim from Scarlet Soho); Tim the MC; Andrejz (I know I haven't spelt that right) for putting the whole thing together; Pluto for supplying the sugar monkeys; Oncle Patrick for throwing the inflatable elephant on stage (genius); Nebulous Nerrin for being the friendliest person of all time; and lastly, the barmaid with the cool forties-style hair.

Of course, let's not forget what it was all for. Hopefully a lot of money was raised for Make-a-Wish.

Next episode:

Next Saturday, same venue. Two more new tunes. Come along and invade the stage.

No work, no prizes.

Autons
X

Howdy reptiles.

Tomorrows show is all in aid of a charity called Make-a-Wish.

http://www.make-a-wish.org.uk/getinvolved/events/showevent.asp?id=49

Tony says the first person to come and kiss him on the night and say the words 'Make a wish' will have drinks bought for them all evening. If they do the same for David then they will have to buy him drinks all night. Leon doesn't count because no-one in their right mind would want to kiss him.

http://www.liveattherailway.co.uk/Mambo/index.php

Hiho Reggie

Thanks for the pictures, old chap. A bit of sauce and a double scotch certainly warms the old cockles on a cold night, what? I must say, though, I’m not normally one for these gynaecological-type images. They don’t leave much to the imagination, do they? I’m more of a titillation man, if you get my meaning.

Now, do you remember my Uncle Ferdy (eccentric old duffer, wears a deerstalker, Sherlock Holmes fanatic?) Well, he comes round yesterday, completely out of the blue, and asks that as I'm pretty much the richest of anyone in our family these days (which can be a bloody millstone, I tell you) would I mind donating some financial aid to one of his nephews, or illegitimate sons, or something, who's in some sort of struggling pop group?

I think you can imagine my reaction, Reggie. Family or not, the last thing I want to do with my well-earned moolah is waste it on a lazy, no-talent scrounger of a musician, who’s probably a drug addict to boot.

Ferdy left in a bit of a huff, telling me I’ll change my mind. I think not, Reggie.

Anyway, must dash. See you at the club tomorrow.

Neville Shawcross

Hi gangsters

For the next two Saturdays we’re playing at the Railway in Winchester, which is a great venue, and fast becoming something of a residency for us. The show on the 25th will the third time we’ve played there this year, and will hopefully give us a chance to perform our new songs ‘The Devil in Me,’ ‘The Words She Said,’ ‘Shine Tester, Shine Tester,’ and ‘Renaldo.’ In fact, we may do two completely different sets over the two weeks.

Be great to see some of you there for one of them.

No work, no prizes

Autons
X

As you can see, the band blog is working properly again. Yowzah!

Now, I took over the running of the blog area from Jodie about two months ago (coincidentally, the same time those weird Jack the Ripper blogs started appearing) and I feel I must apologise to people on the friends list for constantly receiving posts about Jack, mad magicians and 'top fives.' To be honest, it was only last week that I realised there was a friends page at all, and I was very surprised to learn that we actually had any friends on it! Perhaps I do deserve the moniker ‘David Essex’ that Tony and Leon have lately bestowed upon me (the ‘Essex’ being from ‘Essex girl.’)

So, I've had a few words with certain people and I'm told these particular posts will cease forthwith.

David Essex (sorry, Auton)

Place: Spitbank Fort, the Solent
Date: Sat Feb 4th
Event: Emptifish reunion concert (to mark drummer Damian’s 40th birthday) + the Racketeers

We Autons have only just recovered from Saturday’s shenanigans on the Fort, which partially explains why this write-up is so late. Yes, it was one of those nights. The drink flowed freely and millions of brain cells were lost in the process.

You may recall that Autons were lined-up to play the night, too, but a few weeks before the show Damian contacted Tony and informed him that as Emptifish were now playing a full set instead of just a few songs (as was their original intention) there was, unfortunately, no room for us. At the time we were extremely disappointed. In the end we realised it was a blessing in disguise. I can’t really go into detail, but suffice to say that had we performed our particular brand of electro rock ‘n’ roll on this night we may very well have found our sorry plastic bods in the Solent within thirty seconds of the first song – Triton and all (which would actually be a fitting end to our beloved keyboard, seeing as it’s actually named after a half man/half fish sea god.)

Despite this, we all enjoyed the night immensely. The Racketeers were brilliant (as always) and what an honour to see the truly legendary Emptifish! Our heartfelt thanks go out to Damian for inviting us to this unique venue and occasion.

My only slight disappointment was that it wasn't the Fort where the Dr Who story 'The Sea Devils' was filmed. Now I'm being picky.

David

If anyone's interested, Autons get a little mention on a Captain Beefheart site: http://www.beefheart.com/blog/
(we use a Beefheart sample on one of our songs, Can Fever.) Also featured is Leon's blog from the Magic Band support back in June. For some reason we didn't put this on our site at the time. Scandalous!

Autons

Autons first single Snakes/Ice Major out soon. We may put one of the songs online. But which one? Snakes or Ice Major?

Please advise and instruct,

Autons

Hiho Reggie

Finally getting the hang of this email lark. As you know, I’ve always been a complete dunce when it comes to technical malarkey, but Lydia, God bless her, has been very patient with me. She must have gone through it all about two hundred times before it finally sunk in!

I must say, Reggie, you were right about this internet game. I’m having a ball checking my share prices and looking at the totty every day! Incidentally, can you tell me how I get to view those pictures you were on about in the club last Wednesday? If what you said about them is true I envisage some good times ahead, (when L is safely out of harms way on one of her bridge nights, of course).

Here’s to the wonders of technology,

Neville

Hello

My name is Simon and I have hacked into your site again. It was easy. You'll never catch me.

Old Abberline is still after me from the grave, I see. He never gives up, but he won't catch me, either. My deeds will live forever. The evil that men do, and all that jazz. (Jazz wasn't even around when I did those bad things.) Things change. I've changed. I don't do the evil no more. I'm still saucy, but not as saucy as I was. I'm a hacker, not a ripper. I don't kill (except for Sinbad, my pet spider - but that was an accident.)

I think I'll stop this now. I've enjoyed my time on your site, allowing you a glimpse into my little world. December 12th was the first one. There were six altogether. These deeds will live forever, too.

Remember, Simon Carter is not my real name. You will never know who.

Goodbye, old Boss. Perhaps I'll be be back one day. Now read this:

I went moon-bathing.
I went to an all-night aquarium.
I fell in love with Mercury (the planet).
This is what I did today, oh yes.

Simon Carter (crystal-boy and hack-hack)

my brain is a freezing stump

Another thing about Kid Scaramouche is that he’s renowned for being a bit of a philanthropist, albeit a strange kind of one. He has this entourage, you see, which he takes with him everywhere, and all the people in it have been 'rescued' in some way. John Downey, for instance, used to be one of those wild-eyed, bearded individuals who shout at passers-by in shopping centres. Scaramouche found him and took him into his 'group.' He gave him food and a roof over his head, in return for his help. It's like a religious cult.

And what does Downey do now? He runs the Scaramouche website, that's what. He's rejoined the community. He's still wild-eyed and bearded, apparently, and still shouts at people - but these days it's all done in a respectable way, because he's been put back into 'society.' He's become accepted - so long as he propagates the legend that is Scaramouche. That's the pay-off.

Others in the group were discovered in similarly unfortunate circumstances. Homeless, drug-addicted, alcoholic. One poor soul even worked in a bank, for Christ's sake. But Scaramouche took them all in. He's a saviour.

Together they are known as the Collective.

D

Since the announcement of Kid Scaramouche to the Crawley Cabaret bill in April, I've benn deluged with enquiries as to just who the hell he is. Well, I've been asking around recently, and this seems to be about the most anybody knows of him:

NAME:
Kid Scaramouche.

REAL NAME, DUMMY!
He is only known as Kid Scaramouche.

OH, COME ON! HE MUST HAVE A REAL NAME!
Maybe, but everyone's too polite - or, perhaps, too scared - to ask him.

OKAY, OKAY. AGE:
Anywhere between twenty-five and forty-eight years old.

WHAT KIND OF ANSWER'S THAT?
It's the best you'll get, matey.

EXPLAIN.
Well, he's one of those people who are difficult to place. You know, he could be a young-looking forty, or an old twenty-five.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF ASKING HIM?
No.

WHY NOT?
Because everybody's either too polite or too scared.

GOD I GIVE UP. I SUPPOSE IT'S A WASTE OF TIME ASKING HIS NATIONALITY?
Well, it may not be.

ARE YOU SURE?
Try me.

RIGHT. NATIONALITY:
Rumanian.

RUMANIAN? NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
Well, he could be Bulgarian.

COULD BE BULGARIAN?
Yeah. Or Hungarian, maybe.

HUNGARIAN?
Yeah. Actually, let's be safe and call him East-European.

EAST EUROPEAN. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
Yes! Well, no.

SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS YOU HAVEN'T A CLUE AS TO HIS NATIONALITY?
That's right. His accent is very difficult to place.

DON'T TELL ME, EVERYBODY'S TOO POLITE OR SCARED TO ASK HIM!
Correct.

IN FACT - I THINK I'M RIGHT IN SAYING IN THIS - YOU DON'T KNOW A BLOODY THING ABOUT HIM, DO YOU?
Yes.

WHAT, YOU DO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HIM?
Oh, no. I meant yes you're right in saying that I don't know a bloody thing about him.

AAARRGHHH!!!!

So, as you can see, Kid Scaramouche is a man of mystery, to say the least. But, what the hell, he's the star of the show - and stars are entitled to their, shall we say, peccadilloes.
Apparently his latest act is a one-man version of Moby Dick. Wonder if he'll ever do a one-man version of Charge of the Light Brigade?

David

In this week’s rehearsal "Haunted House" became "The Devil In Me" and "Conspiracy" reached further epic proportions.

But, one of the most Auton moments of all time occurred as we hacked away at "Words She Said". Determined to rewrite the rule book, we demanded of ourselves a completely new approach to guitar on the track. Leon has been struggling to forget a beautiful melody line that the song has, but, crouching to the floor, he began to build an intensely deranged soundscape that developed into something both beautiful and chaotic. These are the best moments of being in a band, creating new things that you never thought you could do or explore.

Your boil in the bag man, Tony Auton

Autons top five Avengers episodes:

1. The Hour That Never Was
2. Too Many Christmas Trees
3. A Touch of Brimstone
4. Death's Door
5. Pandora

After last night's rehearsal we went out for a few drinks to discuss the 'keyboard problem' (a potentially disastrous situation.) We ended up in this new West Indian/Italian restaurant, and all had the same dish. It was the chef's speciality.

It was called 'Rasta pasta.'

David

I went to Tubby Smollett’s fruit shop earlier today, to ask him about the cabaret. (You know, the one in Crawley, my angels.) He’s really excited. He asked me if he could show me his opening gambit.

‘Go for it, Tubbs,’ I said. ‘As long as there’s not too much fresh fruit involved.’

‘I promise, old sport,’ Tubby replied. He then cleared his throat and continued, in his best Peter Ustinov voice:

'Greetings, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the first Glebe Brothers Cabaret. I am honoured to be your com-pear for this evening, hope you're all having a really grape time, and that you're satisfied with all the orange-ments. Anyway, I'd better go mango and make way for the next act, so cherry-o for now, and thankyou for listening to this lemon-stration. Now, when I first saw this next act in Brighton, they rendered me absolutely peach-less. Ladies and gentlemen, please will you give a big round of apple-ause to Spinner Dolphins!'

I stood there looking at him. I was absolutely peachless. Sorry, speechless.


David

Last night we camped round at Leon’s to listen to some of the rehearsal tapes and work out some new bits to some of the songs. All was going well, when ‘Knock! Knock! Someone at the door, lads.’ Who was it? Only Montgomery Showers, that’s who!

There are two main things you should know about Monty. They are:

1) He's a gambling addict.
2) He says 'yeah' at the end of nearly every sentence.
3) He's always wearing this stupid baseball cap with 'Spirit of Venus' emblazoned on it. Sorry, that's three things.

I once asked him what it means, this 'Spirit of Venus.' It proved more difficult than I anticipated.

'Ah, I'm glad you asked me that, yeah,' he replied. 'I had it made especially. Do you like it?'

'Yeah, very nice, Monty. What does it mean?'

'Yeah, I wasn't too sure on the colour at first. I was going to have it in black with silver lettering, yeah.'

'But what does it mean, Monty?'

'But I finally decided on dark blue with gold lettering, yeah. Makes it look classy, don't you think?'

'Yes, Monty, very classy. What does it mean?'

'I'm thinking of having another made - perhaps green on an orange background. For the summer season, maybe. Yeah, that can be my summer hat.'

I never again asked the meaning of 'Spirit of Venus' after that.

By the way, I have absolutely no idea why he came last night. He just turned up, told us he’d just been sacked from his latest job (he’s always just been sacked from his latest job) and then sodded off.

Leon thought 'Spirit of Venus' would be a good name for a song. Tony, who always has the last say on song titles, didn’t agree.

David

Dear Boss,

I keep on hearing the police have caught me but they won't fix me just yet. Yes, it's me, Simon Carter, and I have hacked into your site for the fifth time (or is it the fourth? I can't remember.)

It makes me laugh when I think of all the people you thought I was.

I do not do evil no more. But I am a threat in other ways, old Boss. I hack and invade. No-one is safe, not from me. Remember, Simon Carter is not my real name. Now read this:

I did some voodoo.
I stole a jumper.
I accidentally killed Sinbad (my pet spider).
This is what I did today, oh yes.

Simon Carter (crystal-boy and hack-hack)