Autons Blog

signing off

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 10:46:15 GMT

Okay monkeys, you probably realised that the blog page is no longer in op, as we now have a band forum instead. There is a link to the 'blog history' if anyone is interested. Well, it's been nice knowing y'all. You know what they say, always end on a song...........

"Oh, it's a long, long while
From May to December,
But the days grow short............' fade

Last Night

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 07:34:24 GMT

Well, nobody came up and kissed Tony, which was probably a great relief to all (especially to Leon, who has a tendency to get jealous about T's uncanny prowess with the oppsex.) Apart from that, it all went rather swimmingly. Great crowd, and it was nice to see a lot of our friends who travelled up from Pomp. We did two new ones (Renaldo and The Words She Said) as well as our forthcoming single Snakes/Ice Major. Renaldo himself did a weird sort-of 'dervish-twist' at one point, which actually looked quite dangerous.

Some thankyous:

Jez, for his wheels and his visuals; all the other bands (esp Jim from Scarlet Soho); Tim the MC; Andrejz (I know I haven't spelt that right) for putting the whole thing together; Pluto for supplying the sugar monkeys; Oncle Patrick for throwing the inflatable elephant on stage (genius); Nebulous Nerrin for being the friendliest person of all time; and lastly, the barmaid with the cool forties-style hair.

Of course, let's not forget what it was all for. Hopefully a lot of money was raised for Make-a-Wish.

Next episode:

Next Saturday, same venue. Two more new tunes. Come along and invade the stage.

No work, no prizes.

Autons
X

tomorrow

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:47:22 GMT

Howdy reptiles.

Tomorrows show is all in aid of a charity called Make-a-Wish.

http://www.make-a-wish.org.uk/getinvolved/events/showevent.asp?id=49

Tony says the first person to come and kiss him on the night and say the words 'Make a wish' will have drinks bought for them all evening. If they do the same for David then they will have to buy him drinks all night. Leon doesn't count because no-one in their right mind would want to kiss him.

http://www.liveattherailway.co.uk/Mambo/index.php

Double Event

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 17:00:58 GMT

Hi gangsters

For the next two Saturdays we’re playing at the Railway in Winchester, which is a great venue, and fast becoming something of a residency for us. The show on the 25th will the third time we’ve played there this year, and will hopefully give us a chance to perform our new songs ‘The Devil in Me,’ ‘The Words She Said,’ ‘Shine Tester, Shine Tester,’ and ‘Renaldo.’ In fact, we may do two completely different sets over the two weeks.

Be great to see some of you there for one of them.

No work, no prizes

Autons
X

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 17:18:39 GMT

As you can see, the band blog is working properly again. Yowzah!

Now, I took over the running of the blog area from Jodie about two months ago (coincidentally, the same time those weird Jack the Ripper blogs started appearing) and I feel I must apologise to people on the friends list for constantly receiving posts about Jack, mad magicians and 'top fives.' To be honest, it was only last week that I realised there was a friends page at all, and I was very surprised to learn that we actually had any friends on it! Perhaps I do deserve the moniker ‘David Essex’ that Tony and Leon have lately bestowed upon me (the ‘Essex’ being from ‘Essex girl.’)

So, I've had a few words with certain people and I'm told these particular posts will cease forthwith.

David Essex (sorry, Auton)

Spitbank Show

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 16:44:43 GMT

Place: Spitbank Fort, the Solent
Date: Sat Feb 4th
Event: Emptifish reunion concert (to mark drummer Damian’s 40th birthday) + the Racketeers

We Autons have only just recovered from Saturday’s shenanigans on the Fort, which partially explains why this write-up is so late. Yes, it was one of those nights. The drink flowed freely and millions of brain cells were lost in the process.

You may recall that Autons were lined-up to play the night, too, but a few weeks before the show Damian contacted Tony and informed him that as Emptifish were now playing a full set instead of just a few songs (as was their original intention) there was, unfortunately, no room for us. At the time we were extremely disappointed. In the end we realised it was a blessing in disguise. I can’t really go into detail, but suffice to say that had we performed our particular brand of electro rock ‘n’ roll on this night we may very well have found our sorry plastic bods in the Solent within thirty seconds of the first song – Triton and all (which would actually be a fitting end to our beloved keyboard, seeing as it’s actually named after a half man/half fish sea god.)

Despite this, we all enjoyed the night immensely. The Racketeers were brilliant (as always) and what an honour to see the truly legendary Emptifish! Our heartfelt thanks go out to Damian for inviting us to this unique venue and occasion.

My only slight disappointment was that it wasn't the Fort where the Dr Who story 'The Sea Devils' was filmed. Now I'm being picky.

David

Captain Beefheart

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 19:22:52 GMT

If anyone's interested, Autons get a little mention on a Captain Beefheart site: http://www.beefheart.com/blog/
(we use a Beefheart sample on one of our songs, Can Fever.) Also featured is Leon's blog from the Magic Band support back in June. For some reason we didn't put this on our site at the time. Scandalous!

Autons

autons single

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 17:04:22 GMT

Autons first single Snakes/Ice Major out soon. We may put one of the songs online. But which one? Snakes or Ice Major?

Please advise and instruct,

Autons

Bye-bye

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 18:32:20 GMT

Hello

My name is Simon and I have hacked into your site again. It was easy. You'll never catch me.

Old Abberline is still after me from the grave, I see. He never gives up, but he won't catch me, either. My deeds will live forever. The evil that men do, and all that jazz. (Jazz wasn't even around when I did those bad things.) Things change. I've changed. I don't do the evil no more. I'm still saucy, but not as saucy as I was. I'm a hacker, not a ripper. I don't kill (except for Sinbad, my pet spider - but that was an accident.)

I think I'll stop this now. I've enjoyed my time on your site, allowing you a glimpse into my little world. December 12th was the first one. There were six altogether. These deeds will live forever, too.

Remember, Simon Carter is not my real name. You will never know who.

Goodbye, old Boss. Perhaps I'll be be back one day. Now read this:

I went moon-bathing.
I went to an all-night aquarium.
I fell in love with Mercury (the planet).
This is what I did today, oh yes.

Simon Carter (crystal-boy and hack-hack)

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 17:04:26 GMT

my brain is a freezing stump

The Collective

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 17:23:53 GMT

Another thing about Kid Scaramouche is that he’s renowned for being a bit of a philanthropist, albeit a strange kind of one. He has this entourage, you see, which he takes with him everywhere, and all the people in it have been 'rescued' in some way. John Downey, for instance, used to be one of those wild-eyed, bearded individuals who shout at passers-by in shopping centres. Scaramouche found him and took him into his 'group.' He gave him food and a roof over his head, in return for his help. It's like a religious cult.

And what does Downey do now? He runs the Scaramouche website, that's what. He's rejoined the community. He's still wild-eyed and bearded, apparently, and still shouts at people - but these days it's all done in a respectable way, because he's been put back into 'society.' He's become accepted - so long as he propagates the legend that is Scaramouche. That's the pay-off.

Others in the group were discovered in similarly unfortunate circumstances. Homeless, drug-addicted, alcoholic. One poor soul even worked in a bank, for Christ's sake. But Scaramouche took them all in. He's a saviour.

Together they are known as the Collective.

D

Who is Kid Scaramouche?

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 18:18:02 GMT

Since the announcement of Kid Scaramouche to the Crawley Cabaret bill in April, I've benn deluged with enquiries as to just who the hell he is. Well, I've been asking around recently, and this seems to be about the most anybody knows of him:

NAME:
Kid Scaramouche.

REAL NAME, DUMMY!
He is only known as Kid Scaramouche.

OH, COME ON! HE MUST HAVE A REAL NAME!
Maybe, but everyone's too polite - or, perhaps, too scared - to ask him.

OKAY, OKAY. AGE:
Anywhere between twenty-five and forty-eight years old.

WHAT KIND OF ANSWER'S THAT?
It's the best you'll get, matey.

EXPLAIN.
Well, he's one of those people who are difficult to place. You know, he could be a young-looking forty, or an old twenty-five.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF ASKING HIM?
No.

WHY NOT?
Because everybody's either too polite or too scared.

GOD I GIVE UP. I SUPPOSE IT'S A WASTE OF TIME ASKING HIS NATIONALITY?
Well, it may not be.

ARE YOU SURE?
Try me.

RIGHT. NATIONALITY:
Rumanian.

RUMANIAN? NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
Well, he could be Bulgarian.

COULD BE BULGARIAN?
Yeah. Or Hungarian, maybe.

HUNGARIAN?
Yeah. Actually, let's be safe and call him East-European.

EAST EUROPEAN. ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
Yes! Well, no.

SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS YOU HAVEN'T A CLUE AS TO HIS NATIONALITY?
That's right. His accent is very difficult to place.

DON'T TELL ME, EVERYBODY'S TOO POLITE OR SCARED TO ASK HIM!
Correct.

IN FACT - I THINK I'M RIGHT IN SAYING IN THIS - YOU DON'T KNOW A BLOODY THING ABOUT HIM, DO YOU?
Yes.

WHAT, YOU DO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HIM?
Oh, no. I meant yes you're right in saying that I don't know a bloody thing about him.

AAARRGHHH!!!!

So, as you can see, Kid Scaramouche is a man of mystery, to say the least. But, what the hell, he's the star of the show - and stars are entitled to their, shall we say, peccadilloes.
Apparently his latest act is a one-man version of Moby Dick. Wonder if he'll ever do a one-man version of Charge of the Light Brigade?

David

Tony's Blog

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 20:41:56 GMT

In this week’s rehearsal "Haunted House" became "The Devil In Me" and "Conspiracy" reached further epic proportions.

But, one of the most Auton moments of all time occurred as we hacked away at "Words She Said". Determined to rewrite the rule book, we demanded of ourselves a completely new approach to guitar on the track. Leon has been struggling to forget a beautiful melody line that the song has, but, crouching to the floor, he began to build an intensely deranged soundscape that developed into something both beautiful and chaotic. These are the best moments of being in a band, creating new things that you never thought you could do or explore.

Your boil in the bag man, Tony Auton

avengers top five

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 13:47:27 GMT

Autons top five Avengers episodes:

1. The Hour That Never Was
2. Too Many Christmas Trees
3. A Touch of Brimstone
4. Death's Door
5. Pandora

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 16:57:08 GMT

After last night's rehearsal we went out for a few drinks to discuss the 'keyboard problem' (a potentially disastrous situation.) We ended up in this new West Indian/Italian restaurant, and all had the same dish. It was the chef's speciality.

It was called 'Rasta pasta.'

David

Tubby the compere

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 19:51:09 GMT

I went to Tubby Smollett’s fruit shop earlier today, to ask him about the cabaret. (You know, the one in Crawley, my angels.) He’s really excited. He asked me if he could show me his opening gambit.

‘Go for it, Tubbs,’ I said. ‘As long as there’s not too much fresh fruit involved.’

‘I promise, old sport,’ Tubby replied. He then cleared his throat and continued, in his best Peter Ustinov voice:

'Greetings, brothers and sisters, and welcome to the first Glebe Brothers Cabaret. I am honoured to be your com-pear for this evening, hope you're all having a really grape time, and that you're satisfied with all the orange-ments. Anyway, I'd better go mango and make way for the next act, so cherry-o for now, and thankyou for listening to this lemon-stration. Now, when I first saw this next act in Brighton, they rendered me absolutely peach-less. Ladies and gentlemen, please will you give a big round of apple-ause to Spinner Dolphins!'

I stood there looking at him. I was absolutely peachless. Sorry, speechless.

David

Spirit of Venus

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 17:07:05 GMT

Last night we camped round at Leon’s to listen to some of the rehearsal tapes and work out some new bits to some of the songs. All was going well, when ‘Knock! Knock! Someone at the door, lads.’ Who was it? Only Montgomery Showers, that’s who!

There are two main things you should know about Monty. They are:

1) He's a gambling addict.
2) He says 'yeah' at the end of nearly every sentence.
3) He's always wearing this stupid baseball cap with 'Spirit of Venus' emblazoned on it. Sorry, that's three things.

I once asked him what it means, this 'Spirit of Venus.' It proved more difficult than I anticipated.

'Ah, I'm glad you asked me that, yeah,' he replied. 'I had it made especially. Do you like it?'

'Yeah, very nice, Monty. What does it mean?'

'Yeah, I wasn't too sure on the colour at first. I was going to have it in black with silver lettering, yeah.'

'But what does it mean, Monty?'

'But I finally decided on dark blue with gold lettering, yeah. Makes it look classy, don't you think?'

'Yes, Monty, very classy. What does it mean?'

'I'm thinking of having another made - perhaps green on an orange background. For the summer season, maybe. Yeah, that can be my summer hat.'

I never again asked the meaning of 'Spirit of Venus' after that.

By the way, I have absolutely no idea why he came last night. He just turned up, told us he’d just been sacked from his latest job (he’s always just been sacked from his latest job) and then sodded off.

Leon thought 'Spirit of Venus' would be a good name for a song. Tony, who always has the last say on song titles, didn’t agree.

David

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 10:40:37 GMT

25 Sept. 1888

Dear Boss,

I keep on hearing the police have caught me but they won't fix me just yet. Yes, it's me, Simon Carter, and I have hacked into your site for the fifth time (or is it the fourth? I can't remember.)

It makes me laugh when I think of all the people you thought I was.

I do not do evil no more. But I am a threat in other ways, old Boss. I hack and invade. No-one is safe, not from me. Remember, Simon Carter is not my real name. Now read this:

I did some voodoo.
I stole a jumper.
I accidentally killed Sinbad (my pet spider).
This is what I did today, oh yes.

Simon Carter (crystal-boy and hack-hack)

hitchcock

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 15:05:29 GMT

Autons top five Hitchcock films:

1. The Lady Vanishes
2. Strangers on a Train
3. North by Northwest
4. Psycho
5. Vertigo

Kid Scaramouche

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 17:44:49 GMT

Amazing news! Kid Scaramouche has agreed to play at the cabaret in April! Kid Scaramouche is a legend, a living legend, who does one-man versions of famous films and books. His version of 'Born Free' is still talked about in Crawley even now.

It goes without saying that he will headline. The line-up gets more exciting by the day!

David

pop-up revisted ('Magic' Marlon bows out)

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 16:56:07 GMT

I understand there has been some disappointment with my 'pop-up routine.' I am sorry for this. I should have realised that my ideas are too radical and unconventional for most people. I guess the world is not yet ready for my talent.

On reflection, I believe you were lucky not to have witnessed the event for real. Such exposure may have proved too much for your limited brain capacities. It would have been comparable, I believe, to seeing one of the lesser gods for real. (Santan or Tenent, perhaps.)

So, 'Magic' Marlon bids you farewell. But do not feel sad for me. Although my plan to educate the masses in the art of magic - 'magication' - has, ultimately, been a failure, I do feel immensely proud to have tried my very best. It was a noble attempt. Sometimes failure can be glorious.

'Magic' Marlon

P.S.
You will not hear from me again. I have used up my three units of 'Auton-time.'

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:33:17 GMT

A new year dawns and all the broken people have to find a way home. So few
hours earlier they had arrived at our Castle in the Air with hopes and
dreams of a 'beginninng.' They found one: the beginning of the end; the
mass slaughter of innocent hours and minutes and seconds.

(chasing Icarus so often lay's me low)

All the leading ladies - and the bit-part men lacking equity cards - had
arrived glammed up in imitation of some long lost teen-movie from my
childhood. But our inability to keep vices in check left us begging for
salvation.

Did I really witness the events I think I experienced? Was it a trick of
the mind? Is my addled memory devine retribution for having facilitated a
gathering of people hell bent on the murder and betrayal of precious days
and weeks and months?

Did I really see Madonna and an extra from the 'Addicted to Love' promo
clip? Did my associate Renaldo really plead with his significant other to
"know what love is"? He who is the bearer of love (in a tin can)? It
shattered all the illusions.

(santa doesn't exist, kiddies!)

A dark vision is lurking at the back of my mind: Tony Auton speaking of
deeds to be done; David Auton whispering sweet rumours of 'Ice Maidens.'
And somewhere through the haze come the chords of a song. 'A' and 'G'; 'A'
and 'G' and 'A.'

As a new morning gulps for breath we make our resolution. 2006 = leaner;
harder; faster than ever before.

Leon Auton

pop-up routine

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 17:17:48 GMT

Three people replied to my request, so I am duty-bound to perform my trick. It's a little thing called a 'pop-up routine,' and I'll be with you in a tick. I just need to get my props ready. And to make sure my costume is fitted correctly. Right, there we are. Now, a bit of deep-breathing as part of my preparation. A bit of internal chanting. Now, I am ready. I am ready for my 'pop-up routine.' Right, here we go. Nearly there. Okay - here it is, then. The next thing you will see will be my 'pop-up routine.' Right.......now!

And that's it. I hope you enjoyed my 'pop-up routine.' Of course, it would have been better had you been in the room with me. But no matter. Sometimes it is better to use your imagination.

Thank you and goodnight.

'Magic' Marlon

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:41:23 GMT

If three people reply to this post I'll show you my latest trick.

saucy jack

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 18:43:40 GMT

Hello, old boss. It's me again, Simon. I have hacked into your blog area and I am making the first post of 2006. It was easy. You'll never stop me. Old Abberline didn't get me for that other lot, and they won't get me for this. I'm too clever. Yes, I am still alive.

This may be my last post. I am getting bored with you lot.

Remember, Simon Carter is not my real name. Now read this:

I went to Brisbane.
I kissed a demon.
I had tea with Chico 'coconut' Montana.
This is what I did today, oh yes.

Simon Carter (crystal-boy and hack-hack)